The Root Cause =

POWER AND CONTROL.

*Abuse is not OK.  Victims don't deserve it.

People who abuse others are not monsters.

Everyone is human and deserves an opportunity to heal and change.*

There are seven forms of abuse: verbal, mental, emotional, physical, sexual, financial, and spiritual. After a person realizes the full scope of their abuse, it can be difficult to comprehend why someone would do it. *It is also especially difficult for abusive people who use power and control in relationship to understand why they consistently make choices to hurt someone they love. Until we acknowledge and accept our unhealthy hurtful abusive behaviours towards others, we will not change these patterns in relationships.*

Please note that this article is not intended to explain, justify, or rationalize abuse. Nor is it designed to gain empathy or sympathy for someone who is hurting someone else. Abuse is wrong all the time in all circumstances. Rather the intent of this information is to shed light on a question that plagues the abused and the abusive, *to gain understanding that all people do not have the same perspective of right and wrong, many people lack understanding of their own behaviours, and understanding what motivates abusive actions can help* to move the healing process further for those who have been damaged.

13 Reasons Why:

1.They have a disorder. A small number of the population is anti-social personality disorder (sociopath or psychopath) and sadistic. These disorders gain pleasure from seeing others in pain and even more pleasure when they are the ones inflicting the agony. For them, abuse is a means to an end. They abuse others to gain personal pleasure.

2.They were abused. Some abusers act out their dysfunctional behavior on others because it was done to them. In a subconscious effort to resolve their own abuse, they do the same to another person. This type of abusive behavior is identical, meaning it matches almost exactly to their childhood experience.

3.They were abused, part two.Just like in the previous explanation, they abuse because it was done to them. However, in this case the victim is the opposite. For instance, a boy who is sexually abused by a man might grow up to sexually abuse girls as evidence that they are not homosexual. The reverse can be true as well.

4.They watched something. With the advances in technology comes additional exposure at a young age to glorified abuse. Some movies, songs, TV shows, and videos minimize abuse by making fun of it or making it seem normal. A typical example is verbally attacking on another person by name calling or belittling. *Language matters too.  Sometimes if young people hear belittling comments, derogatory remarks, or disrespectful role modelling, this can impact the values they form and/or contribute to abusive behaviour.  Many people who use violence or abusive actions report bullying as children.*

5.They have anger issues. Uncontrolled and un-managed rage frequently contributes to abusive behavior. The source of this anger varies but it is usually tied to a traumatic event. Unresolved trauma sparks anger when triggered by a person, circumstance or place. Because this anger is unresolved and unregulated, when it is unleashed it can be that much harder to control and manifests abusively. *It is important to know that this is difficult to shift away from, but NOT IMPOSSIBLE. When we acknowledge our abusive hurtful actions, this is the first step to making a change to these patterns. It is also important to not use "anger-managment" as an excuse for abusive behaviours. When examined closely, those using violence or abuse in relationships are not doing so at work or in public, therefore demonstrating that they can in fact manage their anger.  Identifying triggers in relationships is often a key to preventing anger from hurting others.*

6.They grew up with an addict.An addict blames others for the reason they engage in their destructive behavior. Victims are often forced to remain silent and acceptant of their behavior. The end result is a lot of pent up anger and abusive behavior. As an adult, the victim may subconsciously seek out others to blame for their actions. *Growing up with an addict can also involve a lot of traumatic experiences that can manifest inside of a young person contributing to their abusive behaviours in adult relationships, addiction issues themselves, or both. Growing up with an addict may also contribute to becoming emotionally abusive as an adult or controlling in relationships.  It is different for everyone but an important factor to consider when trying to identify origins of abuse.*

7.They have control issues. Some people like to be in charge. In an effort to gain or remain in control of others, they utilize inefficient means of dominance such as bullying or intimidation. While forced control can be quickly executed, it does not have lasting qualities. True leadership is void of abusive techniques. *However, coercive controlling relationships can be incredibly powerful over another, robbing a person of their sense of self or identify leaving them more vulnerable to a person's control.  Control issues can arise from family of origin trauma or past relationship trauma, or both.*

8.They don't understand boundaries. Abusive people tend to lack the understanding of where they end and another person begins. They see their spouse/child/friend as an extension of themselves and therefore that person is not entitled to have any boundaries. The lack of distance means a person is subject to whatever the abuser decides. *Healthy boundaries need to be understood, practiced, and role modelled therefore growing up with unhealthy boundaries can create a pattern of difficulty setting/keeping boundaries in relationships.*

9.They are afraid. People who do and say things out of FEAR tend to use their emotions as justification for why another person needs to do what is demanded. It is as if the fear is so important or powerful that nothing else matters except what is needed to subdue it.  *Once examined closely, FEAR is often a driving force and motivating factor for some of our worst behaviours.*

10.They lack empathy. It is far easier to abuse others when there is no empathy for how the victim might feel. Some types of head trauma, personality disorders, autism spectrum disorders, and environmental traumas can cause a person to lack the ability to express empathy.

11.They have a personality disorder.Just because a person has a personality disorder does not mean that they will be abusive. However, the lack of an accurate perception of reality greatly contributes to abusive behavior. If a person is unable to see their behavior as abusive, then they will keep doing it. *Many individuals go through life experiencing diagnosed mental health issues, and without getting any help.  This can contribute to unhealthy relationships and high risk behaviours.*

12.They are exhausted. When a person reaches the end of rope, it is not uncommon for them to lash out at whoever is conveniently close. Think of it as a mental breakdown where all the things stuffed inside come pouring out usually in a destructive rather than constructive manner. *This is not an excuse but something that can be recognized as a contributing factor, much like a child throwing a tantrum.*

13.They are defensive. Defense mechanisms such as denial, projection, regression, and suppression are utilized when a person is backed into a corner. Instead of taking space, they come out swinging and retaliate in an abusive manner. *Defensiveness is proven by the Gottman Institute to be one of the 4 "Relationship Destroyers" and predictor of divorce.  These tactics are used to protect oneself from vulnerable feelings of guilt and shame, and distract from accountability.*

An abusive person may have some or all of these qualities depending on the circumstances. Remember, this is not about justifying their behavior; rather it is about helping victims *AND abusers to understand why a person might be abusive to  *help a person move away from this behaviour and adopt healthier ways to communicate feelings and connect with partners.  There are many resources to help victims of abuse and some resources to help men/women that use power and control in relationships.  The more we talk openly about being abusive the better chance we have to stop these destructive cycles and patterns.* 

High Road Relationships Company specializes in working with MEN who use power and control in relationships...if you identify yourself as someone who struggles with any of the issues, please consider asking for help to move away from these patterns and lean into...

POSITIVE CHANGES!

You (and your partners) deserve it!