What is the role of father in the family? The familiar definition of that role is that father's the one who provides the bulk of the money the family needs, looks after the car, the house and yard, and general maintenance. But what of his role with the children? We've all heard the words, "Wait until your father gets home!" He sometimes--perhaps too often--is brought in as the disciplinarian, the ULTIMATE AUTHORITY. However, if his role with the children is primarily as the one who enforces the rules something essential gets lost.

A recent best selling book, Finding Our Fathers, by Samuel Osherson, gives us some clues to what gets lost: fathers themselves. Our children need to know us and be known by us. We hear a lot about spending "quality time" with our children but what does that really mean? Too often it simply means having fun with them. Now, don't get me wrong, having fun with our kids IS important. For me "quality time" means being fully present with and to our children. It means being involved with them in all aspects of their lives. How many fathers know the names of their children's friends? How many know their current problems at school? Their favourite song or rock group? How many know what they are thinking about social issues? What they most like to read? Quality time means being engaged in our children's lives.

Quality time also means nurturing our children. It means feeding, changing diapers, tending to cuts, fixing bicycles, mending dolls, giving them a bath, reading a story and putting them to bed. It means listening to their problems and concerns, their joys and triumphs. Too often fathers are too tired or too busy with other things to find the time that is needed to be engaged with their children. Mothers know how to carry their children around in their heads. They know what's going on in their worlds. They know when things are not going well at school. They know their children's friends. They know their joys and sorrows. This ability is not genetic. It comes from being involved. Being involved is something that fathers can do, too.

In order for fathers to be involved with their children mothers have to make room for them. If Mom has been the one who is primarily "in charge" of the children it becomes very easy for Dad to become her assistant. He gets delegated jobs when she needs help. Now that's OK some of the time. We all need help with "our" jobs at times. But the problem with that approach is two-fold. First, because the job is "hers", Dad doesn't seen what needs to be done on his own initiative---after all, it isn't his job. He simply doesn't notice what the kids need. We see the same situation in reverse when it comes to the car. Dad will notice "that funny sound" immediately and will wonder why Mom hasn't said anything to him about it. Mom will say that she never heard it. The car is his to take care of so she doesn't have to pay attention. But, unlike the car, the children need both parents to pay attention to them and to be involved.

The second problem with the delegation approach is that the job is still hers. This can easily put her in the position of Dad's "supervisor." She will end up telling him how the job is to be done. Not only does this deprive Dad of the opportunity to find his own way of doing things with the kids, it also deprives the children of having a unique relationship with their father. After all, if he does it Mom's way it is just as if Mom is doing it. One mother asked father to fix the kids something to eat. This was usually "her" job but she had too much on her plate at the time. The father started to fix some grilled cheese sandwiches only to find his wife soon in the kitchen telling him what to fix them and how to do it. His response was, "Well, fine, then, do it your self!" Both the children and the father were deprived of involvement with each other.

In another family the father had regular responsibility for fixing certain meals for the kids. They told me how he used to always make grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. (I think that father's ability to make grilled cheese is genetic!) For awhile it was a family tradition that Dad's meal was grilled cheese. However, after a bit, the kids got tired of that and suggested that he fix them something else. Together they learned to make other things---and grew a deeper relationship at the same time.

What happens to children when their fathers are not fully involved with them? Sociologists have found that 80% of adolescent crime is conducted by teens whose fathers have no relationship with them at all. This is an extreme situation but it does point to something which I see in my counselling every day. When fathers are under-involved the self-esteem of their children is low. Boys need the involvement of their fathers in order to feel good about themselves as boys. Their father's involvement says to them that they are worthy of respect and attention as a male. Girls need the involvement of their fathers in order to feel good about themselves as girls. It is in the father-daughter relationship that little girls first learn how to relate to the opposite sex. Fathers play an important role in providing a safe, non-sexual relationship for them in which they can do that learning.

One father with whom I worked told me how jealous he felt when he discovered his eight year old daughter being affectionate with a man who worked in the family business. When we explore the two relationships we discovered that my client never spent any time alone with his daughter. The hired man, on the other hand, would often play with her, knew her favourite games, and the names of her friends. He had children of his own with whom he was fully involved. He knew how to enjoy being with kids. When my client started to find ways to spend time with his daughter he stopped being a shadowy figure in the background of her life.

Saying that self-esteem is lowered when fathers are not involved with their children is just the tip of the psychological iceberg. When adults with whom I work say, "I never knew my father," I know that there is a large hole in their sense of identity. There is often a sense of insecurity and inadequacy which takes long, hard work to overcome. Many of my clients embark on the task of "finding their fathers", of getting to know them as persons, as part of their therapy. Fathers can help put people like me out of a job by getting fully involved with their children when they are young.